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| life hasn't been the same since...
i've been wondering about all these open-ended questions...if i ever tried to answer them myself, what would i say?
it's been a long while since i last wrote an entry, partly cause i'm undecided between blogspot and xanga, partly because, there's nothing going on...
things have been kinda monotonous the last 2 weeks...v-day didn't register anything, besides the fact that the air was filled with...love?! i didn't think so...but it was nice seeing all the little balloons, flowers, teddy bears, etc etc that girls tout around, hopefully appreciative of the people who sent them these gifts...
nothing was more emphasised like my lack of apathy when my friends all gathered for dinner, and every other guy (4 of them) sent each girl a flower...what did i bring?..a scowl on my face...
it is too bad that i do not share their idea of celebrating valentine's...i probably never would...even as some girls might despair about being spinsters due to school and consequently work commitments, i've already condemned myself to being alone.
oh, of course, not without friends...but still alone...
many say that good friends do stand by you thru' thick and thin (whatever that is...) and they understand you to a certain degree...even if that may be so, is it likely that i will not find a kindred spirit? not a facsimile of me but a kindred?
makes me wonder that i've been looking for love and intimacy in all the wrong places...people i thought would make my life so much more fulfilling, end up as slight acquaintances, barely acknowledged with a nod of the head (or a glance, if so inclined). there are friends i do appreciate for being there, but they are nothing more than that...of course, there are the exceptions: friends i have known for years, people i will implicitly trust with my life, so be it...but these friends are few and far between...and none are as kindred as i would hope...
maybe that is the thing about each person being unique...you're not supposed to find someone so similar to you...of course, you find people who understand certain facets of your own life, and perhaps nothing else...
is this the way life should be like? i do believe (and faith is my weakest weakness) that there are kindred spirits in the world...but i resign to the fate that i will not find someone like that...
but everytime i neglect life, and just concentrate on school, i find it all so lacking...and there is no one around me now who i can take comfort in...but is that so bad?..why can't i soldier on? just to show the world that side of me that enjoys in the light, but relishes in the darkness....alone... | | |
| some people wonder why i bother writing all this "dirty linen" out for everyone to see...some people have even asked me to delete this page, for fear that some of the bad things i have said reverberate among the friends around me...
and to that...i say, i have made a choice, and i'm sticking with it. this xanga started as an avenue to release the negative energy that builds up constantly...of course, it has deviated to talk about the small happy things in life, and about material ideals that would make an ambitious man cringe in shame...and of course, becoming so commercial and public that for want of attention...
but i will never delete this site, nor any of its contents...of course, i should be flogged for some of my actions and words (maybe lacerated too), but i will not back down. granted, i will refrain from personal slander or any sort of personal attacks on others, but i will NOT quit writing this...i do apologise (and i will never stop apologising) for the hurt i've caused...but will not retract from saying what i have to say...
it's seen a lot of the good and bad things that i've seen in my 2 years here...and i do hope to chronicle it for when i need reflection...many a time i have resolved my own problems by writing it out, if it so happens that i'm an exhibitionist of that sort, then so be it...
for now, very few of you will believe that i've found a way to change...my track record has never been exemplary...but actions do speak louder than words, and it is a phrase i must remind myself ever too often...as the euphoria for my re-discovered self dies away, one question remains, will it last? or will school and the entailing dregs of life consume the fire that i have tried to keep burning? I refuse to believe now that this fire will burn out, and leave the dark side exposed again...
of course, another phrase comes to mind...the pen is mightier than the sword...oh how i wish i could have a sword right now....for fear that this posioned pen might injure whom i don't intend...if i do not repair the damage i have caused now, who knows how many other friends i will lose? somehow i wonder, does this xanga bring only hurt to people? nay a sliver of joy or hope at all? | | |
| this is an official apology to all i have have insulted/hurt/offended/pissed off for the whole lot of entries...
SORRY! GOMENASAI! and whatever sorry is in every language in the world.
esp to a select few people...
i have been an a**hole for far too long, trying to attract attention and sympathy
so now, my close friend has helped me re-discover the good side of me...kudos to my partner who helped so much...
this side manifested itself before september 2002, but has been worn and torn until recently. some of you might have seen slivers of it occasionally, but this time i'm trying to get it all back. It's not that i'm not facing my problems anymore...i will aim to deal with my problems head-on, if you don't like it, then move out of the way...ok, not literally...
return of the super energizer bunny...
look out for it at the nearest location near you...
and wish me luck too...hahahahaha
adios! and peace! | | |
| if no man is an island, i will be the first one; if i can't be accepted by friends, i will stay alone...
that is the mantra i chant to myself these days...many a time i have tried to listen to reason, and stay away from these foolish emotions that constantly trouble me...
even now as i write this, they haunt the back of my mind...gnawing away at what i'm trying to build up...
everyone knows that being a hermit is highly impossible in this time and age...i do believe so myself...but somehow, seeing how much others belong to each other, makes me want to let go of this tenous thread that binds me to them...i can never belong to the friends i have now...as much as i try to fit in...
people say i should open up to them, people say they want to help me...and i wonder?..is that really true? must i always look for them, instead of them looking for me? someone was surprised that no one bothers to chat with me on msn, unless they need help with something...I have to initiate conversation....is it me?..or is it everyone else?
i have also said time and again over the last few entries about the girl...i do wish now that someone could just kick her out of my head...it's eating away at my heart real bad...it is obvious i am not for her, yet i still want to try....why bother wasting my time on something impossible? i practically can't talk to her now...oh, i'm always aware of her presence, i seek her out when i can, but i can never be near her...so i have to stop this crap in my head...i do not think she knows how i feel, and i doubt she appreciates it...
i wish someone could help me...tell me if i should still try the impossible, or quit this shit....
this entry is dedicated to *******, who occupies my thoughts day in and day out...haha, like she reads this crap huh?...who am i kidding? | | |
| phew...today is Thursday...i'm sitting at home in front of the computer, waiting for time to pass...today was good, cause i finally caught up with the rest in my organic chem lab...was able to pick up the 3 hours and stay on schedule...hooray!!!  ...should have gone to school to watch The Grudge starring Sarah Michelle Gellar...that would be a good reward for myself...
which brings me to a thought...my friend mentioned that i seem to like strong women on tv...Jennifer Garner in Alias, Sarah Michelle Gellar in Buffy, and Holly Marie Combs in Charmed...can anyone name other shows I like watching too? But the point is...do i really like strong women?  Somehow i wonder that in real life, that's not true...I'm not going to go Freudian and wonder about repression...I'm tired of that...
and so...we went to Universal Studios on Martin Luther King Jr. Day (monday)...whole lot of fun...wasn't too impressed with the Revenge of the Mummy ride...besides, the Jurassic ride and Backdraft we missed...but if there's one thing that's fun...Shrek 4D!!!! Awesome stuff...makes me wanna just go watch Shrek again...(as if i have the time... )
yeah...i also realised that i know nothing about relationships...oh, i've heard a lot about them from friends, but i have no idea what's going on...like i said before, i have no idea how to court a girl.. ..kinda weird, cause everyone around me says it's damn easy lah...oh well...wonder how many times i'll trip and fall this time... ...any advice on wooing a girl???
it's kinda weird because from young, i was never good with people, and especially of the opposite sex...oh, i've tried...but i could never get over being quiet about doing things...i can be loud and boisterous, noisy and friendly, but most of the time, i'm just quiet...sometimes troubled...most often times just plain quiet...most of you would know that i'm rarely direct when dealing with things...but i must try to learn this time...
so yeah...i've realised i prattle a lot here...like a bull in a china shop..only that the china shop really doesn't have much china in it... | | |
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