Finals....then Singapore

i've been gone too long.

my uncle passed away recently. and i was not there. i hear he died peacefully in bed, but the aftershock is great on both my aunt, my cousin and his family. and just when my cousin's baby is a week coming.

it hurts. i'm half a world away, and when something happens to my family, i can't be there.

does it have to take such events and such close people to make me remember where my heart belongs?

i don't even feel like studying anymore. i'm sitting here at 2.30 in the morning, writing this as i'm crying.

this sucks. i'm sorry. to Er4 Gu1 Zhang4 for not having appreciated u enough (and not learnt singing from you); to Er4 Gu1 for not being there to help u thru' this; and to Kenny and his family...sorry that u and ur family has to suffer this, when the joyous blessing of a child is so close.

i'm sorry.

hm....so i've updated my blogspot lately...if u want to see my serious, objective side, go over to http://desmondli.blogspot.com/ .

i've really thought of not writing here partly due the fact that this blog is more of a shouting post for me....where i vent and rant about things that might be blown out of proportion, but needless to say, need to be said.

so i've been avoiding writing here. it's kinda of a good thing, cause that means my life is a lot more stable and objective than it's been. i guess summer does that to you. more time for peace, more time for calm. gotta say, besides the classes, life's been pretty ok. PS2, TV, read, surf, swim and the occasional gym workout...ain't too bad eh?

i had a 4 day weekend conference last week....kinda leadership conference for GoldenKey...for those who don't know, Goldenkey isn't a run of the mill organisation...it's an international honors society, and i believe some of the services available (career or social) are beneficial to most people. Check it out at http://goldenkey.org/GKWeb/ .

so i've met very interesting people. some of these people are true leaders, some of them are just brilliant. but i'm not going to talk about that.

in such brilliance, personal weaknesses appear. i can't dance, i can't talk and i'm no leader. maybe i should stop being a follower. maybe i should have more confidence in myself. but what are my strengths? i feel normal. one of those faces u can never pick out in a crowd. why? can't i aspire to greater things? how do i do that?

like a friend who mentioned it before: i'm the master of useless information. my expertise will not save the world, or help anyone. why is that so???

i guess, elaborating on these weaknesses emphasizes the need to work on them. i shouldn't sit around and wait for the world anymore. i should go to the world and squeeze the hell out of it. then maybe i will have something that is uniquely DESMOND.

Currently Listening Late Registration By Kanye West Gold-Digger (w/ Jamie Foxx) see related

hot on the heels  of my last entry in blogspot...here's another one...something that's nagging at me...so i have to let this one out...

sometimes i wonder how some people's responses can seem so perfunctory...like it's as if they don't care...and these are from people i consider friends...

so what am i supposed to do?...learn to be more considerate than i already am?...don't u think when someone calls u, asks u something, then just says "ËãÁË..." when they find out u'r busy and proceeds to just brush ur own situation off, that sucks?

Of course i appreciate the fact that they ask me in the first place but i feel gyped. I'm sure i'm just being touchy about the choice of words...but i guess if people don't put care into their words, it's not my fault in considering them the way i do...oh whatever lah...just bear with it...

not sure if what i wanted to say came out right...i can't be bothered to figure out a better way...

it's been a damn long time since i wrote something..was initially gonna just do it in eBlogger, then cut-n-paste here...but my computer doesn't like eBlogger now...so...

it's mid-Spring 2005 right now...birthday has past, haven't done a lot besides school...somehow that seems like a good thing...everything else is in a form of stasis...no personal life, no social life...just school...

for those who wondered, yeah, I did ok for Winter...enough for EDB to favor my request a little more...so we'll see...

lately my eyes have been wandering again...hoping to find that kindred..or just to flame the jealousy of seeing others so happy together...

maybe it's just not my time...or maybe i'm just too blind to see...sorry lah, I really appreciate it, but i don't think i could return those feelings...

i'm still a hopeless romantic as much as i try not to be, but i also know i'm too scared of commitment...too many scars, too many failures...those do not make me stronger...

sometimes i'm glad i'm alone...i do not want to inflict the pain of bearing with me on someone else...i do not think i could love another whole-heartedly either...i've tried, but i was just fooling myself...or have i not tried enough? i wouldn't know now right?..unless they're willing to say something about that...

but i do believe that i try to be a good friend to everyone i know...to see people happy is my greatest hope...actually, my only hope...that may seem too altruistic for a person like me, or even weird considering i'm not a hopeful man...but that's the way i wish the world to be...

"Feel" by Robbie Williams

I just wanna feel real love,
Feel the home that I live in,
I got too much love,
Running through my veins, going to waste.

Currently Playing Fool Again 2000 Remix By Westlife see related